Thursday, November 07, 2002
Last night I laughed for what felt like a full quarter of an hour at a silly story my mother told me.Before I left home, and for some short time afterward, I used to laugh a lot. I mostly laughed at silly things that no one else found funny, and then I laughed at myself for laughing at something so unfunny. The laughing at myself wasn't the condescending chuckle I give every once in a while now, though; it was just genuine laughing. I was fascinated that I could laugh so heartily at something that was so normal when, if I thought about it logically, the thing wasn't really very laugh-inducing at all.
These are the things I remember about my laughing. I produced a lot of endorphins, I'm sure, and so I was really happy and optimistic most of the time. My laughs were the loud, uncontrollable laughs, and when I started laughing I usually didn't mind that anyone else was staring. I think I would have gone on laughing like that all my life if it weren't for some people around me, who always shushed me when I laughed in public, looking around to make sure no one noticed. My roommate just ignored my laughing when I started, and sometimes joined in, and I remember some mocking my laugh (which was never very elegant or sophisticated).
I liked Alistair because his emails made me laugh even when I had lost the ability to laugh at anything that happened in my real life, and even now, when I do laugh at silly things again, his emails still make me smile and grin and yes, sometimes laugh, too. I liked Aya because she never minded me when I laughed, and sometimes even encouraged it. She always made me smile to watch her, too, whether she was full of bouncing energy and dancing or just woke up from a nap and was stretching like a little kitten on her bed. I liked Hunter because he was always honest and asked me what was wrong when no one else did.
I loved the way that Ann-Marie said the word "moron", even though it's not a nice word. I liked how she rolled her o's instead of r's. I like that she doesn't lie to me and doesn't hold things back from me, and likes to talk to me for the sake of talking and not extracting information. I liked Dean when he shamelessly admitted his low self-esteem, which showed that he really didn't have that low a self-esteem because real self-hating people never admit they're insecure. He was one of those who made me laugh, too, with his wit and seemingly sarcastic comments (which never were intended to be sarcastic or cynical, I just always took them that way because everyone else around me talked in sarcasm, and I had gotten used to it. In my first year, I had someone write "gullible" on my ceiling because I always took people seriously when they were being sarcastic and started being worried or concerned when everyone else chuckled it off).
And I liked Cathy because she was the one always with me when I wondered out loud, "do you ever worry we have too much fun?"
I liked laughing so much last night. It sure as hell beats crying.
posted by styrene at 11:38 PM-comment?
