Sunday, July 27, 2003
why you need to read this on a twice-a-day basis: i delete so many entries after waking up from fitfully sexual and/or violent dreams (generally fantastic as in totally out of this world fantasticness resulting in no longer guilt but a what the hell was that look when i awaken) and you know you don't wanna miss out on what i've been thinking.k k i need to stop being so hyper but all the cough drops i ate makes my blood sugar ruuuush!
it is nearly one a.m. and that means i need to go to sleep but i like being awake so i can read and do stuff but when i am awake i am pestered by a forever lingering sense of guilt and worthlessness while at the same time thinking i am so fucking good/physically beautiful/mentally beautiful/perfect or would be perfect without the little flab in my inner thighs.
i used to feel terrible about this but now i don't and that's probably me becoming jaded or healthier or smarter or wiser but i'm definitely better off than i was except not for writing because i'm just too happy doing stuff to sit down and ponder and writewritewrite it's always been a purging method which is why i think i wanted so desperately to be a writer if i wrote great things then i could compensate for all the years i lost wandering around my own mind wondering pondering roundabout questions about life and truth and Truth and Truth and Truth and wisdom but mostly Truth with a capital and underlined tee and now i'm not so concerned anymore because i've found it and ooh i want to share it with the world so yeah i still want to write but i also don't when i think of a few certain faces i would be hesistant to share my Truth with them because i want them to be miserable and ignorant and still in the dark while i'm in the light and i used to feel guilty and terrible terrible simply terrible horrifyingly suicidally terrible about this too but i'm only human and i'm not perfect and that's okay and even the saintest of saints had people they hated too we can spend our whole lives confessing and trying to be good and not even come close to being sinless i used to feel so terrible about this like i needed to be the one human who was sinless on her own because i've just taken and received way too damn much and who am i to take and get and receive so many blessings in one life when there are people starving and whoring themselves for food on streets i've never even had the threat of being raped and it happens to one out of every four women so why was i so blessed oh it must be because i need to become better than other people so i can be perfect and help the other people so if i am not perfect my life would have been one spent in selfish greed and taking taking endlessly taking and i need to be perfect because look my mother wants to help me more than anything in the world she would gladly give her life if it was the only way i could ever be happy but she still couldn't help me because she's only human she's not perfect so i need to be perfect because i'm only human and me as myself cannot help anyone and i need to be perfect because i need to help people and i need to help people because i've taken so much
or that's what i used to think and now i just don't want to be perfect because perfect people are annoying and more because i don't need to be and most because i can't be and neither can anyone else.
and as for my coexistant narcissism and self-hatred it'll go away it's only natural at such an age so my dad reduces this all to adolescence (and a late one at that) but nah it'll be more a lifelong thing struggle happiness used to be natural and now it's worth a struggle and worth struggling for when did my life start being so well everything the grownups said it would be
posted by styrene at 12:14 PM-comment?
