Friday, April 16, 2004
was in a rutnow am happy again
life is simple. and good. i was overthinking. the conclusion i reached a couple of nights/weeks (i really can't remember, reaching new levels of senility) was: stop being so fucking precious. and i need to stop doing that.
i am also incredibly sick, or just sick enough for it to be annoying, and have absolutely no appetite. this has resulted in my hipbones sticking out slightly again and thus i really need to start eating normally but the only thing i can keep down is soymilk. and an occasional apple and tinny bits of cereal. ugh.
i'm so young. i want to live every minute that i have here and be happy. happiness is so underrated. who cares if i'm doing something i should or shouldn't? life is short, i want to live every minute in utter happiness. i can only write cheesy things like this on here because the duke is probably the only person who reads this, if he even reads this anymore because i haven't updated it with any substance worth reading in the past four months.
there's really no need to think ahead, is there?
i feel like i'm sprouting ideas out of my head, or spewing out all the emotions and thoughts i've been too afraid to commit to words because i didn't want them to be limited to just words. (as for the way, the way that can be named is not the constant way...) but now i'm okay. i shouldn't be afraid of anything. or rather, i don't want to be afraid of anything and therefore i refuse to be. i can do whatever the fuck i want.
being afraid of being wrong is one of my vices/traps, i think. i need to keep a watch on that. now i am going to go stick this salmon in the fridge so it doesn't go bad before lunch. i love you duke, happy birthday. oh and i guess julia might read this every once in a great while? in which case i love you too julia.
which is another thing i never understood, love without attachment, but it's possible, and it's good. and andy is so full of shit when he says that you should put in just as much work into a relationship as the other person, never more, and that personal love and personal sex is always bad. what the fuck did he know about relationships? who cares if you put in more work than the other person or give more than the other person? if you want to do it, then fucking do it, don't be keeping a tally in your head.
i like myself and i like men to kiss my arse as well, and there is nothing wrong with that. because there are no wrongs or rights. there are, but there aren't. and now i'm being so zen and hippie that i need to stop and go write in my carbon journal. yippee!
posted by styrene at 9:28 AM-comment?
