Friday, June 18, 2004
i should stop blogging because everytime i go back and read over what i've written an incredible urge to delete anything that is not of a holistic nature overcomes me. but it's a part of being more honest so i will keep the silly tidbits below without editing them.i had an argument with someone a while ago about what "there are no rules (but there are)" means, if it was at all a meaningful statement. it's vague, yes, and i suppose in a novel or any expressive art it wouldn't do but as far as personal reminders go, it's a pretty good one. not to mention that i've had several people nod along when i say that, and they may not be agreeing to what i think the statement means but once any words have left your system, they are no longer yours anyway.
the point was, i shouldn't edit out the details that make it not holistic because then i keep forgetting and i keep thinking that i belong to some alternate universe where little things like crowds and noise don't bother me. but honestly, they do. today i was bothered by the 23yearold daughter of my mother's friend who cried twice during the hour or so that i spent with her while fighting with her mother. the traffic was annoying and seoul is too fucking crowded and the air is horrible. absolutely unbreathable. i still hate my thighs. augmented by the fact that i'm wearing my fuschiaorangeredyellow vertical striped ankle pants. ankle pants are unflattering, vertical stripes are unflattering, and bright colors are unflattering as far as the visually slimming is concerned and the fact that i manage to look somewhat thin in the triple threat pants should make me glad but for some reason i keep wanting to look more and more anorexic.
also yesterday night i watched that 70s show on the telly at midnight and when eric and donna started giggling and making out on the couch i wanted to curl up into a fetal position and cry myself to sleep. i ended up doing something else, although i can't remember what. probably read something.
i've been watching so much of the food network lately it's kind of sick. especially considering that i don't eat. but i also do other things. i went to the underground mall in seoul by myself a couple of days ago and got all the prom photos etc developed and bought a vogue with which to make collages and some paper on which to make the collages and watched troy. amusing myself by myself was kind of fun. yesterday i went to the sitting area of a huge department store and watched people. i sketched a bunch of them, and when i came home i did a lot of pastel drawings. i've been doing that a lot, too, drawing things with pastels. i think i may already have declared this, but i am going to spend this summer being utterly selfish. and thus i am not going to edit out all the "i"s that pop up in my entries and not care if they are boring or witty because this really should be for my private eye anyway. but if i am going to be honest with myself i might as well be honest with you lot, too.
my ex popped up in my dreams yesterday night or maybe the night before that, and i can't remember if it was a dirty dream or not. i don't think it was. i'm pretty sure i slept with davis moore and david nee in my dreams at one point.
doesn't it suck when you have the giggling and makingout on the couch and you don't need anything else to make you the happiest person in the world, and then that goes away, and there's no one you can giggle with anymore? not even the person with whom you used to do that, because the image's been broken, and yeah that's a part of being in a relationship and being committed whatever but i am so young and i still like flirting and feeling the world to be perfect etc. the warm fuzzies you get.
hunter keeps telling me i should seduce ned levin and while the idea is tempting for multiples of reasons some of them are not kosher and it would be stupid. but if he grew my impulsive side may get the better of me.
it's so stupid to dwell on the past or future but right now i'm really tired from walking around all day and being pushed around by the crowd and just being in the city doing stuff especially because i only got eight or so hours of sleep last night. eight would be heaven at exeter but i've been living off fifteen hours lately, followed by leisurely stretching in the sun and reading the paper or a nice paperback book in bed or draped on the living room couch so i am tired. also i borrowed shoes from my grandmother because i didn't want to blind people with my pants *and* my sparkly jewel studded sandals that give off a good 60 watts, and they were nice shoes, black leather mules with a little tiny silver buckle in the middle, and they were incredibly cute, but they were also not good walking shoes and gave no support whatsoever and actually left my feet kind of sore so i am tiredddddddd. and i am going to go check what is on the food network while fighting off my grandmother who tries to forcefeed me.
posted by styrene at 4:35 AM-comment?
