Monday, December 20, 2004
i am currently feeling:really bummed out.
i would switch to xanga so i could do the mood icons and currently listening to and currently watching things but i just like this simple template and it would be so much work to figure out how xanga worked.
but maybe i will.
i am feeling bummed out because i had a huge fight with my mother and said many hurtful things and i am not even sure why we had this fight except i have not been a very nice person lately. so my new year's resolution: to be nicer to people, especially the people who matter, like my mother, who is a wonderful human being and to whom i am eternally grateful.
i keep thinking i should stop throwing around words like 'love' and 'eternal' in context of everyday conversations, like when i used to pledge my eternal love to people and when i say i am in love with this or that, like i'm in love with u chicago and bucky katt and mr langford and his red fluffy bowtie. they're such defense mechanisms, i'm surprised people don't see right through it. or maybe they do and they just choose not to comment out of sympathy/empathy. i'm sure you've all been there before.
the great thing about blogger is no one knows about blogger as far as i can tell so i can write shit like this and no one will know that i have issues. i mean they all obviously know i have issues but you know, which issues they can never know. har har.
matt's ex-girlfriend elizabeth used to write har har all the time in aim conversations, i remember. matt was one of the guys who once proposed to me semi-seriously.
oh i should stop trying to make my answers perfect and just write the damn apps.
and be nicer to my mother. i must be nicer to my mother, not because i'll get anything out of it but because she is my mother and i love her and she's one of the few people on earth who actually care about me. what i miss most about last spring's break-up process was how it put everything in perspective and i was grateful for all the things for which i should be grateful. what would be super ironic would be if my mom walked in right now and i became annoyed with her for interrupting my thoughts on how i should be nicer to her. but yeah, last spring i was grateful to everyone for taking the time to listen whenever they did. i took less for granted. i should do that too. stop taking things for granted. it's something to be grateful for, human interaction, communication, connection, when it happens. must remember.
forgive me; i've spent the last six months in my own head. i think it's time to get the fuck out of here.
posted by styrene at 10:09 PM-comment?
