Wednesday, March 29, 2006
i said to noah once that this blog was reserved strictly for when i was feeling uber-pretentious, and he agreed that it did indeed seem that way. i am so sick of adolescent angst and pretension and teenage depression. but there was talk and caution of not confusing correlation with causation and i once again resume reflection (oh how i hate that word) and it leads to countless journal entries which i put on my blog because it is easier to write for an abstract audience than for myself. oh double standards. oh perfectionism. if i had the vanity i would just record myself speaking all the time. or a room of my own. i am grief-stricken at confusion but i am still so attracted to it. exuberance, exuberance, exuberance. i used to feel deathly lonely all the time and i still do sometimes, but not to the extent that i did and not very often, which is perhaps why i never feel wildly in love anymore, because i'm not seeking someone to save me, and after all, whom should you love more than your savior the lord? these are notes. without loneliness is no love. no salvation? love equals salvation? and music. it is the single greatest tragedy of my life that i cannot create it, write it, immerse myself in it and come out with something that i can bear to look at without cringing, something i could say held even the tiniest bit of promise. this is where i've become caught up in words and overdramatic and enter buzz word, pretentious. i should read more. they offer moments of clarity, even though they are probably small truths. that's okay. particulars matter more to me anyway, although sometimes i wonder if i only claim that because i am unsure of my abilities to grasp the universals. particulars are more interesting to me anyway, i should say. religion is such a particulars subject that i'm still trying to understand the universalities related to it. that was a reference to an old friend of mine. she wrote poetry. i still don't know if it was any good or not.i should stop lying to my therapist and psychiatrist. i should also ask for more ambien and take it somewhat regularly so i can get back on a schedule. it's oppressing, though, structure and balance and schedules and free time. also, note to self: thinness does not cause happiness, nor is it related to happiness. the two are completely unrelated. end note.
http://www.mybeatingheart.com/index.html i want one.
also oppressing: not caring. i wish i cared more.
okay, i should do some work. i've been saying that since 9pm.
posted by styrene at 5:26 AM-comment?
